Let’s be honest—most of us have, at some point, been told to “just forgive and move on.” As if it’s that easy! Forgiveness is often seen as the golden ticket to emotional freedom, but what if we’ve been looking at it all wrong? What if when we say we want to forgive, what we actually mean is we want to understand? And what if, deep down, we’re really just aiming for acceptance?
It’s time to unravel this tangled mess of emotions and figure out what’s actually going on.
Step One: Understanding—The Intellectual Shortcut to “Forgiveness”?
Have you ever noticed that when people say they’ve forgiven someone, it’s usually because they’ve found a way to explain the offender’s actions?
- “They were going through a hard time.”
- “They didn’t know any better.”
- “They have the emotional intelligence of a toaster.” (Okay, maybe that last one is just me.)
When we understand why someone did what they did, it softens the blow. Understanding can make an offense seem less personal, more about them than about us. But let’s be real: understanding is not the same as forgiveness. You can understand why a tornado flattened your house, but that doesn’t mean you’re at peace with it.
Understanding as a route to forgiveness is not always as conditional as it might imply, Erus and Topçu (2023) evidenced that those who foster self-compassion forgive easier. This argument is in line with what I often discuss with client in session, that we mirror the world, if we perceive ourselves in one particular way, we tend to perceive the world in a similar manner. In this instance, if we have the ability to forgive ourselves, we are likely to forgive other as well. In contrast, if we are tough on ourselves and constantly unhappy with who we are and the decisions that we make, it is likely that we will adopt the same rigidity when others let us down.
Step Two: Justification—The Dangerous Cousin of Understanding
Here’s where it gets tricky. Sometimes, we mistake justification for forgiveness.
- “Well, they didn’t mean to hurt me, so I should let it go.”
- “They were just doing what they thought was best.”
While understanding someone’s perspective can be helpful, justification can be a slippery slope. Some things simply aren’t justifiable, no matter how much context we have. And forcing ourselves to justify someone’s behavior in order to “forgive” them? That’s like putting icing on a burnt cake—it looks good, but underneath, it’s still a mess.
But this conditional forgiveness in disguise (justification) can backfire. You can in fact justify why forgiveness can’t be given. And to make it difficult, often you don’t even know that you can let go because of certain bias. One subconscious bias that has been evidenced as an obstacle to forgiveness is that when people perceive the other person superior to themselves (Fupšová & Záhorcová, 2022), (as in, know better than you, have a greater emotional intelligence, etc.). In that case you might find harder to forgive because you feels like “I can’t forgive you because you KNOW better than that!”. In this case, we can together identify this bias and explore whether our perception of the other is accurate or not. Having said that, by uncovering this bias we are still trying to use understanding as a condition to forgiveness.
Step Three: Acceptance—The Real MVP (most valuable player)?
Acceptance is the quiet, underrated hero of emotional healing. Unlike forgiveness, acceptance doesn’t require us to feel warm and fuzzy toward the person who hurt us. It simply means we acknowledge what happened and stop fighting reality.
Acceptance sounds like:
- “This happened, and it sucks.”
- “I don’t like it, but I can’t change it.”
- “I’m not giving them a free pass, but I refuse to let this own me.”
Sometimes, acceptance is enough. You don’t have to forgive to move on—you just have to stop carrying the weight of what happened.
The Difficulty of Forgiving—Why It’s Not Always So Simple
Let’s be real: forgiveness is hard. Sometimes, it feels downright impossible. We hear so much about the benefits of forgiveness—how it sets us free, lightens our emotional load, makes us better people—but what about the very real obstacles that make it so difficult?
1. The Pain Feels Too Big
Some wounds cut so deep that the very idea of forgiving feels like betrayal—like we’re letting someone off the hook when they don’t deserve it.
2. The Hurt is Ongoing
Forgiveness is especially difficult when the harm isn’t in the past but still happening. How do you forgive someone who keeps hurting you? (Spoiler: you don’t have to.)
3. The Desire for Consequences
Many people struggle to forgive because they feel the other person should pay for what they did. The idea that someone could hurt us and simply move on without consequences feels unfair. This is where forgiveness gets tangled up with justice—we think that by holding onto our anger, we are enforcing a punishment.
But here’s the paradox: trying to make the other person “pay” (by cutting them off, bringing up their mistake repeatedly, or refusing to engage) rarely brings the satisfaction we expect. While we may want them to feel the weight of their actions, the emotional toll of carrying resentment can weigh us down just as much—if not more.
4. Fear of Being Hurt Again
For many, forgiveness feels like opening the door to being hurt again. It can be hard to trust that letting go of resentment won’t mean inviting harm back into our lives.
5. It Feels Like Losing Control
Holding onto anger sometimes feels like a form of power—because if we let it go, then what? Who are we without our grievances? Sometimes, resentment is easier than facing the vulnerability of moving on.
These struggles are valid. Forgiveness is not a one-size-fits-all solution, nor is it a moral obligation. Some people may never be able to forgive—and that’s okay. The real work is in figuring out what healing looks like for you.
Forgiveness is Optional, Healing is Not
So, do we need to forgive to heal? Not necessarily. While forgiveness can be powerful, it’s not a requirement for peace. Sometimes, understanding is enough. Other times, acceptance is the key. And occasionally, the best we can do is simply stop letting a past hurt define our future.
At the end of the day, forgiveness is a personal choice. The real goal is emotional freedom—whether that comes through understanding, acceptance, or just deciding you’re too fabulous to let old wounds drag you down.
Emotional freedom doesn’t mean stay in the place where you were hurt. Often, forgiveness comes in context when you want to stay in the relationship, that be a romantic, friendship, family or professional one. You want to keep the relationship because it has value to you but is finding difficult to forgive. But forgiveness is not a tool to promote happy relationships, is a tool to promote inner peace. There are times that you will choose to leave despite letting go, or accepting, because that is the best for you. But what is the most important thing to be aware of is that when you leave because you couldn’t let go, you will not have inner peace and will carry that pain with you whenever you go with great consequences to those who will enter your life after that, therefore, having a ripple effect on the world (see the article The Ripple Effect of Therapy). Whether you choose to go or stay, make sure that you have healed and have inner peace!
Further Reading & References:
- Akın, U., & Eroğlu, Y. (2023). Self-Compassion and Forgiveness: The Moderating Role of Mindfulness. Journal of Positive Psychology.
- Erus, S. M., & Topçu, P. (2023). Self compassion and interpersonal mindfulness as predictors of forgiveness in adulthood. International Journal of Psychology and Educational Studies, 10(1), 261-273.
- Fupšová, T., & Záhorcová, L. (2022). Empathy and Humility as Predictors of Forgiveness towards One’s Partner and Relationship Satisfaction in Young Adults. Studia Psychologica, 64(3), 243-255.
- Karremans, J. C., & Van Lange, P. A. M. (2004). Forgiveness in Personal Relationships: Its Maladaptive and Adaptive Aspects. Psychological Science.
- McCullough, M. E., Bellah, C. G., Kilpatrick, S. D., & Johnson, J. L. (2010). Personality Predictors of Forgiveness: The Role of Agreeableness and Neuroticism. Journal of Research in Personality.
- Toussaint, L., Worthington, E. L., & Williams, D. R. (2015). Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health. Springer.
- Zarzycka, B., Rybarski, R., & Liszka, S. (2022). Empathy and Humility as Predictors of Forgiveness in Close Relationships. Journal of Interpersonal Relations.